"They're shape-shifters."

On Thursday nights there is a dance class that I go to that's about 20 minutes away. It's after the boys go to bed, so by the time I'm driving home, it's about 9:00. Since I drive Kent's car the radio is on AM, so it's either sports or boring talk radio. While I might not hate watching sports (especially hockey; you can always count on flying fists and blood), I can't stand listening to them on the radio. So talk radio it is.

Lucky me! On Thursday nights there is a talk show about aliens and paranormal stuff. I was quite enlightened. I believe that if I die now, I will know all that I ever needed to know. Since I'm in a generous mood, let me share my bountiful harvest of knowledge:

1. "They're shape-shifters." According to our resident expert, Whitley Strieber, auther of Communion, they take many forms, whether it be "amphibious, reptilian, or any other form." Better keep an eye on what you thought was your pet turtle.
2. There are apparently 26 "races" of aliens. Not quite sure how they differ, but I figure that the next time I'm at a baby shower and someone just happens to be wondering how many different races of aliens there are, I'll know.
3. All aliens will harm humans. There are no benevolent ones. Kind of makes you wonder why they took pity on those backcountry rednecks who they dumped in a field naked, cold, hungry, and surrounded by empty beer bottles.
4. Being from somewere other than this planet doesn't excuse their lack of ethics. One of the callers insisted that there had to be some nice aliens because he was abducted at the age of 9 and it wasn't a horrifying experience at all. It was actually enjoyable (no, he did not go into detail about what went on). Strieber insisted that just proved his theory about all aliens being hostile. "You were abducted when you were a child! Everyone on this planet knows that kidnapping is wrong!" Hmm... They must have missed the memo that Earth sent out over the Galacticon Gamma Ray Wire Telegram System concerning the abduction of young earthlings.

I wonder why they never abduct college graduates.

So there you have it. Next time you're at a dinner party and there's that uncomfortable, awkward silence when you're frantically searching for something hilarious or interesting to say that doesn't involve the bodily functions of your children, pass on this little tidbit.